I Hate This

I feel so powerless, out of control. I'm emotionally back to a place I don't want to be. Back to a place i vowed I would never return to. It took me a year and a half after Belle's ordeal to feel better and now with in 24 hours I'm back to that place. A place of worry and helplessness. I can't stand it. I hate feeling like this. I don't have a magic pill or liquid medicine. I fear he'll need an NG tube or even worse have to stay overnight in the hospital. I hate having to think he'll get poked and prodded with needles. I'll have to watch another child stump doctors with a list of symptoms with unknown causes. We'll get yes we understand he's losing weight and yes his GI tract is affected BUT we don't know why so we'll give you the best guess why and hope he gets better...I feel like a rug has yet again been yanked out from under me. God said life was going too smoothly so I'm going to throw some more curve balls at you! I'm tired of curve balls. I"m tired of having to be the strong mommy. I'm tired of having to watch my children go through test after test with no "real" answers. I LOVE my children they are blessings and yes they could have worse things wrong with them, but this is so emotionally draining. I'm fearing moving because I don't know the doctors where I'm moving. I fear derrick being gone. I fear the unknown. I know I will have just as amazing support system. I just want to make my kids better. I want to make the 100%. I want them to eat what the want...Have an ice cream cone. Eat a piece a cake at a birthday party...Eat a fresh piece of fruit from a farmers market w/o running to the bathroom. I want my kids to be able to go to a restaurant  and order what ever they want with out having to asking a million questions of the waiter. I want to be able to take my kids to the movies and get them goodies and popcorn. Food is supposed to be fun and nurishing but to 2 of my 3 kids it's the enemy. I just feel helpless. I'm ready for this week to be over so we can start this journey again with easton and so that we can get him on a path to healing.

It's Happening Again

I don't know if I can do this again. Easton is approaching the trouble age. My anxiety is increasing. But I'm doing everything right. He's on a hypoallergenic formula. He's not getting milk or soy. His sugar intake is minimal. His foods are healthy. What more can I do. I'm doing everything RIGHT and he is still getting sick. His weight is starting to drop from his growth chart. He was in a nice little cluster there for a while. We could explain why he wasn't gaining as quickly as other kids. For 6 months he was having constant ear/sinus infections. He was gaining just slowly, but consistently growing. He is getting taller so something is going right. But his weight is going no where quickly. At his 12 month appointment I was so excited. He was 20lbs and 14oz. He was getting up there. It looked like we were on our way up. He was over the weight hump. My heart dropped when he got weighed today and he was 20lbs 4 oz. When his doctor looked at his growth chart his dot was no longer in his little cluster but lonely and far below. My nerves are shot I find myself going back to an emotional place I thought I would never have to go again. I have tried to control this situation. I did everything I knew how to do. I've controled his diet so well. the poor kid has never tasted ice cream or gotten to eat a real piece of cake. He is probably the healthiest 13 month old around...He gets excited for veggies....I am at a loss of what else to do. I've done everything I know how to do. I've controled everything I can. But it's not enough. My child is still sick. WHY? WHY? WHY?

I Got to Be A Kid Again

Oh how I love the excuse to be a kid again. Today Belle and I got to do a girls day out. I didn't tell her what we were doing I just told her we were going to the mall. We went to Ross Park Mall and went to the Disney store. There I let her pick out 2 new princess shirts and some fun jewelry. We also got her older brother some Phineus and Ferb stuff. We also preordered our copy of Tangled. I think I'm more excited for it than she is. Although, I know Jamison is super excited to finally get to see it. Go figure my boy wants to see a princess movie, but who am I to stiffle imagination. One day he's no longer going to like disney and I'm going to have to relish in memories of the little boy who wanted to see Tangled. We walked around the mall somewhat and I let her run off some energy at the playground. I then packed her up in the car and started down towards Pittsburgh. I finally told her where we were going and her face lit up light it was Christmas morning. She talked about all the Princesses she would see. We got to our seats and she kept telling me how much she loved me and how excited she was. He face lit up as the princesses started to skate out and mickey and minnie came out. The only downer was the people in front of us who had too many people for not enough seats...5 seats and 6 people...ummm you do the math...AND they were super loud yelling at each other...it got to the point I had to put Belle on my lap so she could see. But all in all I had the most amazing time with Belle. It's very rare that I get to spend that quality time with her. I get to see who she is and really get to focus on her. There are far less melt downs and far less tantrums. It's a calmer belle. It's a genteler belle. It's a sweet Belle. It's probably the Belle that most people get to see because when she is with her friends she's not fighting for attention from her brothers. I love Belle and I can't wait to watch her grow up and watch her grow into the amazing young woman I know she will be!

So It's Been FOREVER

So it's been forever and well life has taken over, but God has handed us some curve balls. Izabelle has been thriving in preschool. Her teacher has been amazing at handeling her "allergy". She monitors what Belle eats and if she feels that there has been too much sugar in a day she modify's Belle's snacks and lunch. Belle also has been amazing. She is learning what sugar does to her body. There have been many days that Belle comes home and tells me that her tummy isn't feeling very well and that she doesn't want any more sugar and she wants a sugar free day for the following day. She has had days where she rebels and binges on sugar but she learns very quickly that it hurts and it makes her sick. We have also learned that Easton may be following in his sisters footsteps. It started with him not being able to tolerating milk and soy. He was put on a hypoallergenic formula at 6 1/2 months. He has been tolerating that well. We have tried bites of yogart once a month but with each try he gets hives on his face so we are pretty sure that he too will be unable to eat it. We have been refered to a GI specialest for Easton so that we can confirm what we pretty much already know. Easton is thriving though. He took his first steps at the beginning of February. Now he's toddling around and getting into EVERYTHING. He has bruises everywhere from falling but I know those will heal and he will soon be a pro at walking and my baby will no longer be a baby. Jamison turns 6 on Saturday and I'm so proud of him. I can't believe he's already 6 and over half way through kindergarten. He's a bright young boy and he's everything I could ask for. He makes his mommy proud.

Early this week we were informed by the navy we will be heading back to San Diego. Derrick will be heading back to Carrier life....Our families are very sad to see us go because we will be across the country again but I think the navy chose this for use because we will be close to one of the major naval hospitals and our children are considered Cat 3 EFM's. Derrick has to go to school for the first 3 months that we are there so we won't have to live ship life right away and the ship is deployed now so we won't face a deployment right away. God is really looking out for us.

Gearing Up For School

So this week has been quite hectic. Jamison started kindergarten and it's been early mornings and a lonely little girl. About an hour after Jamison leaves for school the questions of when will he be home starts. For as much fighting that the two of them do she really misses her brother when he's not here. She is getting good a quiet play by herself and trying to entertain Easton. So all week we've been collecting up all her special medical instructions and talking to doctors. I can't believe my little girl is going to all day preK. She's so excited and I know it'll be good for both her and I. She has been challenging lately and I think she just needs so daily structure. She loves doing school stuff with brother so I know she'll enjoy school. It's finally her turn and she's excited. Although she doesn't understand why brother gets a bus ride and she doesnt. I wish she could get a bus ride, just for fun, but alas she probably won't get a school bus ride for many years. Once we move who knows if busses will be provided or if she'll even need one. She got a new backpack for school and wears it around the house proudly. I know most days she won't need it at school but she feels like such a big girl getting to finally get one of her own. With her going to school it brings many fears. Will she be able to enjoy lunch and snack and all that. Will she get sick and have an accident and be completely embarrassed. Will she get to the bathroom quick enough so that she doesn't have an accident. Will the other kids accept her even with her strange food problems. Will they accept her in general. She's got a strong personality and I'm not sure how other kids will do with her. She did do fine at MMO but she also knew those kids from infancy. I know she needs to grow up and do things on her own but I've been able to keep her pretty sheltered with all her food stuff. I'm really hoping that all my fears are short lived and she has an amazing experince like Jamison had.

daredevil

Forgot To Add Yesterday

While at the doctors for Easton yesterday I did bring up Belle's sleep walking to him. He gave her a look over. Although she was in her "grumpy" mood and wasn't following directions. He wanted me to give a call into her GI docs. He suspects she is having refulx at night and because of all her other GI problems he wants them to take a look at her. If GI and meds don't help he wants her to go in for a sleep study. Seeing as we can't pin down when exactly she is waking up we need to figure it out and help her sleep. I'm just hoping that school will help tire her out. I just don't know what to do with her. I"m hoping the structer of school will also help. I think it will be good for all of us....

Onto a cute story of belle...A few weekends ago we went to a family reunion in Charolette NC. The kids got to go to the racetrack and take a tour. The road in a can that took them around. They got to a curve and Jamison was tellng them to slow down and Belle asked for them to floor it. Only Belle would be asking for such a thing. Jamison is adventuresome but Belle is my daredevil. I'm waiting for the day I need to take her to get a cast put on...Although I must say from the stories my mom tells me I was ver similar in the way I approached life. Go as high and as far and as fast as you can...I didn't break anything until I was 26.