I'm Going to Become the Crazy Mom

So the doc appointment yesterday felt like I was pounding my head against a wall again...It felt like Belle all over again....Seriously people I've done this once before...Been there done that really don't want to attend the after party again...So I brought up all my concerns. Stated all his problems, yada yada yada and yet I'm still the overprotective too proactive mommy...WHAT?! First thing that pissed me off was that as I was standing in the hallway waiting to Easton weighed I overheard the MA's talking about how the infant scales are not correctly callobrated because they are moved around constantly because of all the transplants on certain days...Ummm HELLO in GI weight is IMPORTANT....UGH...THEN she tells me they called the WRONG branch of Easton's doctors office so they don't have his growth chart so they don't know why his doctor is so concerned bc on when he was last at the ENT he looks fine. (insert eyeroll) So first your scales aren't correct and 2 the scales you are going off aren't even the same ones because they are at 2 seperate offices with 2 seperate departments. Ummmmm yeah...whereas the growth chart that has me and his pediatrician concerned is off of 1 of 2 scales in the SAME office that are regularly checked and he's seen there at least once a month...Hmmmm wonder which growth chart I'm going to go off of...I saw for my self his growth chart. I know how to look at a chart as does his doctor who has been looking at them for oh more years then this GI doc has been alive....AHHHHHHH

Anywho...onto my task that I'm giving myself for the month...I'm going to be a photo journalist for the month and the blog is going to be my outlet...well kind of...I'll spare you the gross photos. SO for the next month I will be writing down everything and photographing everything that he eats and poops. The GI doc said he should eat a normal diet...there's no way that he's like belle...UMMM what?! OK I'll prove you wrong...and if you know me you know I like to prove you wrong...Granted I won't put him in danger and I won't make him really sick but I'm going to prove that I know my children. So here I will be able to vent and   talk and cheer and cry....So away we go.....

Reflections

This really isn't about me but life in general...You think life is going smoothly and God throws in curve balls. Whether they are personal or worldwide. Yesterday/today God showed the world his almighty power. Japan was hit with a horrific Earthquake and Tsunami. Once again in my life I am left feeling hopeless and out of control. First thing I hear when I wake up this morning from Derrick is "Lindsey email Debra find out if they are ok." I hadn't turned on the news and my heart sank. Debra is a wonderful woman of God and a wonderful friend. Immediately I turned on the news and opened my laptop to email her. Demanding her to check in with me. Oh how I was relieved that she was quick to respond. I was afraid for her. I wanted to make her feel better. I just wanted to wrap my arms around her like a warm blanket and take all her fears away and drown out all the sirens with beautiful music. I still feel like there isn't much a can do. I'm just a friend on the other side of the world on a computer. I just want to sweep in with jet and take all our friends and their families but I have to sit and wait and know that the US military will do their jobs and take care of them.

I'm also glued to the TV making sure that nothing more is happening and keeping tabs on Japan and the west coast. I am running into the problem of shielding my older children though. This morning I had to send Jamison to my room to watch a movie so that I could watch Fox News as to not scare him because he knew his best friends grand parents live in Hawaii. Now this evening when I was watching the World News I had to send them to color so that the talk of earthquakes in California would not give them nightmares of the place they would soon live. I know they will have to live through earthquakes. They already have. They don't remember it and at this point that is a blessing. They will have to do earthquake drills and it will become a way of life, just like if that continued to live here they would have to do tornado drills. Weather happens and you have to be prepared. Right now I just want to keep them shielded from the extremes.

I continue to pray for those effected by these recent tragic events. May God wrap his arms around the scared and grieving and place his healing hand upon the injured. May the people of the Japan rise from the ashes of the ruble and rebuild.

I Hate This

I feel so powerless, out of control. I'm emotionally back to a place I don't want to be. Back to a place i vowed I would never return to. It took me a year and a half after Belle's ordeal to feel better and now with in 24 hours I'm back to that place. A place of worry and helplessness. I can't stand it. I hate feeling like this. I don't have a magic pill or liquid medicine. I fear he'll need an NG tube or even worse have to stay overnight in the hospital. I hate having to think he'll get poked and prodded with needles. I'll have to watch another child stump doctors with a list of symptoms with unknown causes. We'll get yes we understand he's losing weight and yes his GI tract is affected BUT we don't know why so we'll give you the best guess why and hope he gets better...I feel like a rug has yet again been yanked out from under me. God said life was going too smoothly so I'm going to throw some more curve balls at you! I'm tired of curve balls. I"m tired of having to be the strong mommy. I'm tired of having to watch my children go through test after test with no "real" answers. I LOVE my children they are blessings and yes they could have worse things wrong with them, but this is so emotionally draining. I'm fearing moving because I don't know the doctors where I'm moving. I fear derrick being gone. I fear the unknown. I know I will have just as amazing support system. I just want to make my kids better. I want to make the 100%. I want them to eat what the want...Have an ice cream cone. Eat a piece a cake at a birthday party...Eat a fresh piece of fruit from a farmers market w/o running to the bathroom. I want my kids to be able to go to a restaurant  and order what ever they want with out having to asking a million questions of the waiter. I want to be able to take my kids to the movies and get them goodies and popcorn. Food is supposed to be fun and nurishing but to 2 of my 3 kids it's the enemy. I just feel helpless. I'm ready for this week to be over so we can start this journey again with easton and so that we can get him on a path to healing.

It's Happening Again

I don't know if I can do this again. Easton is approaching the trouble age. My anxiety is increasing. But I'm doing everything right. He's on a hypoallergenic formula. He's not getting milk or soy. His sugar intake is minimal. His foods are healthy. What more can I do. I'm doing everything RIGHT and he is still getting sick. His weight is starting to drop from his growth chart. He was in a nice little cluster there for a while. We could explain why he wasn't gaining as quickly as other kids. For 6 months he was having constant ear/sinus infections. He was gaining just slowly, but consistently growing. He is getting taller so something is going right. But his weight is going no where quickly. At his 12 month appointment I was so excited. He was 20lbs and 14oz. He was getting up there. It looked like we were on our way up. He was over the weight hump. My heart dropped when he got weighed today and he was 20lbs 4 oz. When his doctor looked at his growth chart his dot was no longer in his little cluster but lonely and far below. My nerves are shot I find myself going back to an emotional place I thought I would never have to go again. I have tried to control this situation. I did everything I knew how to do. I've controled his diet so well. the poor kid has never tasted ice cream or gotten to eat a real piece of cake. He is probably the healthiest 13 month old around...He gets excited for veggies....I am at a loss of what else to do. I've done everything I know how to do. I've controled everything I can. But it's not enough. My child is still sick. WHY? WHY? WHY?

I Got to Be A Kid Again

Oh how I love the excuse to be a kid again. Today Belle and I got to do a girls day out. I didn't tell her what we were doing I just told her we were going to the mall. We went to Ross Park Mall and went to the Disney store. There I let her pick out 2 new princess shirts and some fun jewelry. We also got her older brother some Phineus and Ferb stuff. We also preordered our copy of Tangled. I think I'm more excited for it than she is. Although, I know Jamison is super excited to finally get to see it. Go figure my boy wants to see a princess movie, but who am I to stiffle imagination. One day he's no longer going to like disney and I'm going to have to relish in memories of the little boy who wanted to see Tangled. We walked around the mall somewhat and I let her run off some energy at the playground. I then packed her up in the car and started down towards Pittsburgh. I finally told her where we were going and her face lit up light it was Christmas morning. She talked about all the Princesses she would see. We got to our seats and she kept telling me how much she loved me and how excited she was. He face lit up as the princesses started to skate out and mickey and minnie came out. The only downer was the people in front of us who had too many people for not enough seats...5 seats and 6 people...ummm you do the math...AND they were super loud yelling at each other...it got to the point I had to put Belle on my lap so she could see. But all in all I had the most amazing time with Belle. It's very rare that I get to spend that quality time with her. I get to see who she is and really get to focus on her. There are far less melt downs and far less tantrums. It's a calmer belle. It's a genteler belle. It's a sweet Belle. It's probably the Belle that most people get to see because when she is with her friends she's not fighting for attention from her brothers. I love Belle and I can't wait to watch her grow up and watch her grow into the amazing young woman I know she will be!

So It's Been FOREVER

So it's been forever and well life has taken over, but God has handed us some curve balls. Izabelle has been thriving in preschool. Her teacher has been amazing at handeling her "allergy". She monitors what Belle eats and if she feels that there has been too much sugar in a day she modify's Belle's snacks and lunch. Belle also has been amazing. She is learning what sugar does to her body. There have been many days that Belle comes home and tells me that her tummy isn't feeling very well and that she doesn't want any more sugar and she wants a sugar free day for the following day. She has had days where she rebels and binges on sugar but she learns very quickly that it hurts and it makes her sick. We have also learned that Easton may be following in his sisters footsteps. It started with him not being able to tolerating milk and soy. He was put on a hypoallergenic formula at 6 1/2 months. He has been tolerating that well. We have tried bites of yogart once a month but with each try he gets hives on his face so we are pretty sure that he too will be unable to eat it. We have been refered to a GI specialest for Easton so that we can confirm what we pretty much already know. Easton is thriving though. He took his first steps at the beginning of February. Now he's toddling around and getting into EVERYTHING. He has bruises everywhere from falling but I know those will heal and he will soon be a pro at walking and my baby will no longer be a baby. Jamison turns 6 on Saturday and I'm so proud of him. I can't believe he's already 6 and over half way through kindergarten. He's a bright young boy and he's everything I could ask for. He makes his mommy proud.

Early this week we were informed by the navy we will be heading back to San Diego. Derrick will be heading back to Carrier life....Our families are very sad to see us go because we will be across the country again but I think the navy chose this for use because we will be close to one of the major naval hospitals and our children are considered Cat 3 EFM's. Derrick has to go to school for the first 3 months that we are there so we won't have to live ship life right away and the ship is deployed now so we won't face a deployment right away. God is really looking out for us.

Gearing Up For School

So this week has been quite hectic. Jamison started kindergarten and it's been early mornings and a lonely little girl. About an hour after Jamison leaves for school the questions of when will he be home starts. For as much fighting that the two of them do she really misses her brother when he's not here. She is getting good a quiet play by herself and trying to entertain Easton. So all week we've been collecting up all her special medical instructions and talking to doctors. I can't believe my little girl is going to all day preK. She's so excited and I know it'll be good for both her and I. She has been challenging lately and I think she just needs so daily structure. She loves doing school stuff with brother so I know she'll enjoy school. It's finally her turn and she's excited. Although she doesn't understand why brother gets a bus ride and she doesnt. I wish she could get a bus ride, just for fun, but alas she probably won't get a school bus ride for many years. Once we move who knows if busses will be provided or if she'll even need one. She got a new backpack for school and wears it around the house proudly. I know most days she won't need it at school but she feels like such a big girl getting to finally get one of her own. With her going to school it brings many fears. Will she be able to enjoy lunch and snack and all that. Will she get sick and have an accident and be completely embarrassed. Will she get to the bathroom quick enough so that she doesn't have an accident. Will the other kids accept her even with her strange food problems. Will they accept her in general. She's got a strong personality and I'm not sure how other kids will do with her. She did do fine at MMO but she also knew those kids from infancy. I know she needs to grow up and do things on her own but I've been able to keep her pretty sheltered with all her food stuff. I'm really hoping that all my fears are short lived and she has an amazing experince like Jamison had.